Reality cracking

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courtesy of fravia's www.searchlores.org
Written in April 1997, last updated: november 2001

BODY LANGUAGE AND OTHER ENSLAVEMENT TECHNIQUES

(gathered here and there on the wide deep web by fravia+)
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go to +ORC's lesson on SUPERMARKET ENSLAVEMENT
go to part two: Body language-2
go to part three: hypnotic tricks

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 8. Say, "How do you feel about that," not "What do you think about that."
     "Think" causes clients to think of objections. 
     "Feel" causes them to  think of reasons to buy.

 All of us are trained in the use of speech -- to communicate what
 we mean in a way that other people will understand. And most of the
 time, others understand what we mean. In a telephone conversation,
 we communicate through speech alone. In a face-to-face meeting,
 part of the communication is carried in a non-verbal form -- what is
 often called body language. 

 Why is body language so important? There are two principal
 reasons: 

      You have probably heard many times that people remember
      more of what they see than what they hear. Long after a
      meeting, we are likely to have forgotten the exact words
      someone used, but we may retain a vivid image of the same
      person's facial expression. 
      Through life experience we have learned, perhaps
      unconsciously, that people often lie with words. (We're talking
      here about the little white lies and omissions that are part of
      many conversations.) But facial expressions and other body
      language tend to be more honest. When a person's words and
      body language are consistent, we believe that person. When
      their words and body language say different things, we tend to
      believe the body language and doubt the words. 

 Picture this scenario: You say to a friend, "How was your review
 with the boss?" Your friend says. "OK" Then her smile vanishes, and
 her hand tightens around the notebook she is carrying. Did your
 friend really do OK in that review? Probably not, but she does not
 want to talk about her true feelings right now. When a person's facial
 expression differs from their words, your experience tells you to go
 with the visual cues not the words. 

 The Vocabulary Of Body Language 

 Body language, unlike spoken language, is inexact; so you have to be
 careful about how you interpret it. A certain movement or facial
 expression may be quite meaningful, or it may mean nothing at all. As
 a starting point, the lists below provide you with some common body
 language terms and their generally accepted meanings: 

 Positive body language
 Positive body language is generally quite reliable as an indicator of a
 person's feelings. It signals interest in the other person and in the
 conversation.

 Relaxed posture
 Comfortably seated, relaxed breathing, no visible stiffness or abrupt
 movements. These indicate no major barriers to communication.

 Arms relaxed 
 Uncrossed arms and hands open (palms up or otherwise visible to
 the other person) are signs of openness. 

 Good eye contact
 Looking in the other person's eyes, particularly when they are
 speaking, indicates interest in that person. Proper eye contact
 involves looking away occasionally to avoid staring.

 Nodding agreement 
 When nods are used to punctuate key things the other person has
 said, they signal agreement, interest and understanding. However,
 continual unconscious bobbing of the head usually indicates that the
 listener is tuning out.

 Taking notes 
 Shows interest and involvement, particularly if notes are on what the
 other person is saying.

 Smiling/adding humor 
 This is a very positive sign. It signals a warm personal relationship.

 Leaning closer
 Reducing the distance between two people, particularly when the
 other person is speaking. Indicates interest is up and barriers are
 down.

 Gesturing warmly
 Talking with hands, particularly with palms open, indicates
 involvement in the conversation and openness to the other person. 

 For all of these positive gestures, moderation is the rule. When they
 are exaggerated, they can become more negative than positive. 

 Negative Body Language 

 Negative body language is somewhat less reliable as an indicator of
 the person's comfort with the current conversation than positive body
 language. Actions that are generally considered negative may just be
 a matter of comfort for this person, may indicate that the person is
 tired or may result from other matters that are weighing on this
 person's mind.

 Body tense
 Stiffness, wrinkled brow, jerky body motion, hands clasped in front
 or palms down on the table. These can indicate concern with the
 topic or dealing with the other person.

 Arms folded in front
 Creates a barrier; can express resistance to what is being said.

 Hand on face
 A hand over one's mouth is a closed gesture. Leaning on one's elbow
 with the chin in the hand can communicate boredom. 

 Fidgeting
 Moving around a lot, playing with things and drumming fingers are
 usually a sign of boredom, nervousness or impatience.

 Arms behind head, leaning back
 In a well-established relationship, this can be a relaxed gesture. In a
 new relationship, it is often used to express a desire for control or
 power.

 Yawning 
 Boredom, confusion. The other person is talking too much or in too
 much technical detail.

 Impatience
 Trying to interrupt what the other person is saying; opening one's
 mouth frequently as if to speak.

 Distraction 
 Eyes flicking about, blank stares, flipping through literature without
 really reading it, looking at others in the office, looking at the person's
 body or clothing.

 Leaning away
 Avoiding moving closer, even when something is handed to the
 person, is strongly negative.

 Negative facial expressions 
 These include shaking head, eyes narrowed, scowling, frowning. 

 Combinations Count More Than Individual Gestures

 Body language is more meaningful when several expressions take
 place at the same time. For example, the combination of leaning
 forward, nodding and smiling is a strong indication of agreement and
 openness. Most meaningful is a matched set of gestures that also
 agrees with what the person is saying. 

 Transitions Count More Than Positions 

 As a rule of thumb, individual body positions or movements are
 frequently meaningless. Some people's faces form a smile or a frown
 more naturally than a neutral expression. Some people lean on their
 hand all the time; others never do it. Some people can't sit in a chair
 for more than a few minutes without crossing their arms; others sit
 erect with their hands at their sides. 

 What is meaningful, however, is a transition from one body position
 to another. If a person spends the entire meeting leaning forward,
 that may be just comfort. But if the same person starts out leaning
 back and then gradually moves forward as the meeting progresses,
 that's non-verbal communication. 

 Using Body Language Effectively 

 There are two ways you can use body language to enhance your
 face-to-face meetings: 

      Observe the customer's body language 
      Control your body language 

 Observing the customer's body language 
 From the moment you greet the customer, observe the customer's
 body language. At the beginning of the meeting, it is normal for
 customers to appear somewhat reserved or nervous. If this is a new
 relationship, the customer may not be ready to trust you yet. As the
 meeting progresses, the customer should normally warm up and
 begin to display more open body language. 

 Pay particular attention to any changes in the customer's body
 language, both positive and negative. Positive moves are buying
 signals -- you are on the right track and should keep going in the
 direction where you are headed. Negative moves are objections.
 They mean that you and the customer are beginning to diverge. Stop
 the track you are on, and get back in synch with the customer: 

      If the customer's body language is expressing discomfort or
      disagreement with what you are saying, you need to uncover
      the basis for the customer's discomfort and restore the positive
      track. 
      If the customer is dropping out of the conversation, it is time to
      stop talking and ask an open-ended question to get the
      customer involved again. The more the customer has drifted
      from the conversation, the more you must go back to the
      customer's goals and background -- something the customer
      knows a lot about and cares about. 

 Controlling Your Own Body Language 

 One person's body language unconsciously influences how the other
 person in a meeting feels. So you can influence the way customers
 feel subtly through body language. 

 Speak a familiar language 
 Try to use non-verbal vocabulary that is generally understood to
 convey positive messages. If the customer is a good reader of body
 language, you are ahead. If the customer is not, you have not lost
 anything: 

      Maintain good posture, sitting erect but not stiff, hands visible
      and open.
      Avoid closed gestures such as crossing your arms across your
      chest. 
      Smile.
      Maintain eye contact, particularly while the customer is
      speaking. This says you care about what the customer is
      saying. To avoid staring, look away occasionally to take notes
      or to look at materials the customer has brought. 
      Focus your attention on the customer. Avoid fidgeting or
      letting your eyes wander while the customer is speaking.
      These actions will draw the customer's attention away from
      the conversation and suggest you would rather be somewhere
      else. 
      Nod agreement. This is positive if you do it convincingly and in
      appropriate places. If you do it automatically, it says you are
      not listening.
      Occasionally express agreement verbally to reinforce nods. 

 Reflect the customer's language 
 Make customers feel more comfortable at first by matching their
 body language. For example: 

      If the customer's body language is very open, begin to match
      it. 
      If it is reserved or nervous, tone down your enthusiasm a bit to
      make the customer more comfortable. 
      If the customer prefers to maintain some distance, avoid
      moving too closely. 
      If the customer moves slowly and makes few gestures, avoid
      extensive gesturing and quick movements. 

 Using Body Language To Influence The Way The
 Customer Feels 

 We normally think of body language as a reflection of what the
 person is feeling, and that's true. But it is also true that if you change
 your body language, your feelings will begin to change as well. That's
 why, when you feel yourself dragging in the middle of the afternoon,
 a quick walk around the block can rejuvenate you. You also tend to
 feel better when you put on fresh clothes or if you just smile. 

 This principle has two practical applications 
 You can make yourself look and feel better by using more positive
 body language. The famous football coach Vince Lombardi used to
 tell his players before an away game, "You've got to look good
 getting off the bus, and then play a heck of a game." In other words,
 if you look and act like a winner at the outset you are more likely to
 become one. 

 Body language is contagious. If person X uses relatively neutral body
 language, and person Y uses positive or negative body language,
 person X will gradually begin to mirror that. Thus, if the customer
 starts out neutral or somewhat negative and you are increasingly
 positive, the customer's body language (and thus their mood) will
 become more positive as well. 

 To influence the way the customer feels: 

   1.Start with body language that is generally considered to be
      positive. 
   2.Carefully observe the customer's body language.
   3.Alter your body language to more closely match the
      customer's. 
   4.During the meeting, if you think a more positive tone is
      desirable, gradually change your body language to be more
      positive in order to influence the way the customer feels.
      Always make positive transitions in your body language while
      the customer is speaking. This says you support the
      customer's ideas and feelings. If you make changes when you
      begin to speak, it may say that you are trying to take control. 

 Additional Body Language Techniques 

 Match your words and body language
 The customer will trust you less if you attempt to use body language
 that differs markedly from what you are saying. If you are honest in
 both, and use both to express your sincere interest in helping the
 customer, this will show. 

 Maintain the right distance 
 People have a comfort zone for how close they want other people to
 come; only people they feel very comfortable with are allowed to
 penetrate within a certain distance. Follow these guidelines to
 maintain a comfortable distance:

      Follow the customer's lead 
      From the moment you greet customers, watch where they
      stand. This will tell you how close to approach. If they back
      away a bit after the handshake, maintain a greater distance. 
   
      Don't tower over the customer 
      If you are much taller than the customer, be especially careful
      to keep a comfortable distance. Once you are seated and the
      customer communicates more openness, you can begin to
      approach more closely. 
      Be careful about touching 
      A firm, brief handshake is always acceptable for greeting
      someone you do not know well. Other touching is
      uncomfortable for many people. 
   
      Move closer together at an appropriate time 
      This is valuable in strengthening the positive relationship. But
      when you move closer to the customer, do it for a reason: 

           You can move closer to the customer to look at
           a document together, such as a brochure.
           If the customer begins to lean closer, expressing
           positive energy towards you, it is OK for you to
           lean closer as well. 

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